What is post-separation abuse?
Many people assume that leaving an abusive relationship means that the abuse will also end. In some cases, people can break free from a relationship and start a new life without any further interference from their perpetrator. However, this is not the case, for everyone. Leaving an abusive relationship can be a dangerous time and the abuse can continue or escalate during this time. The types of abuse can take many forms including physical and sexual violence, harassment and intimidation, stalking, or other forms of abuse where the perpetrator seeks to maintain their control this can include restricting finances, smear campaigns or even blackmail. The behaviours that are exhibited during post separation abuse may be different depending on the motivations for the behaviour and the personality type of the perpetrator.
Understanding Post-Separation Abuse:
Understanding the personality of the perpetrator can provide some insights on the motivation behind their behaviours. Most perpetrators who engage with post-separation abuse have anarchistic personality, possessive/obsessive personality or antisocial personality traits. In general terms they may lack of empathy, exhibit anti-social behaviours and generally lack regard for the rights of others and the law.
Narcissistic Personalities – Narcissists have an inflated sense of their own self importance and have a lack or empathy for others. In the context of post-separation abuse a narcissist may view their partner as an extension of themselves. When the relationship ends this can lead them to attempt to regain control and they may use tactics such as manipulation, threats, or other actions intended to punish the other party for leaving.
Possessive and Obsessive Personalities – Individuals with possessive/obsessive personalities have an intense fear of abandonment that feeds their need for control within a relationship. They may be extremely jealous and have difficulty accepting that the relationship is over. In the context of post separation abuse they may engage in stalking and harassing behaviours that may take place both on line and offline and they may try to manipulate their partner back into the relationship by making emotional appeals or threats. This may include ‘love bombing’ and promises to change or threats to commit suicide if their partner does not return.
Antisocial Personalities – An antisocial personality can be identified by their disregard for the law and the rights of other people. They can be manipulative, impulsive and lack remorse for their actions and the harm they have caused. In the context of post separation abuse the behaviours may include intimidation, threats and violence intended to regain their control. They may also exploit the legal system by making false accusations and may also use children as pawns in their attempt to exert power and control and punish their partner with no consideration for the consequences
What does it look like?
Post separation abase can take many different forms; –
Economic Abuse: This can involve withholding child support, hiding assets, or damaging the victim’s credit score. The abuser’s goal is to maintain control over the victim’s financial resources, thereby limiting their ability to move on and establish independence.
Legal and Administrative Abuse: Abusers may use the legal system as a tool for abuse by filing frivolous lawsuits, refusing to comply with court orders, or dragging out legal proceedings to deplete the victim’s resources and resolve.
Emotional and Psychological Abuse: This includes stalking, harassment, threats, and other behaviours designed to instil fear and maintain control. Abusers may engage in character assassinations, spreading rumours, and making false allegations to isolate the victim from their support network.
Using Children as Pawns: In some cases, abusers will attempt to manipulate children as a way to exert control over their former partner. This can involve turning the children against the other parent, using visitation as a bargaining chip, or even attempting to gain custody as a means of control.
What is the Impact?
Physical distance after separation or divorce means that emotional abuse tends to be more common than physical abuse. In some cases, perpetrators will begin abusing their ex-partner after separation, even if abuse has not been a feature of the relationship. It can have long-term effects leading to trust issues and mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD. For separated partners who have children together, this can be particularly difficult as co-parenting is unlikely to work. Moreover, children can be used as a vehicle for abuse. For older people experiencing post separation abuse this maybe financial or economic abuse restricting access to money pressure to change wills or resources such as phones or medical aids. Perpetrators may also withhold access to pets as a way of punishing their victims.
How can we help?
Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse in any form can reach out for help regardless of age, gender or identity. One significant difference in supporting older people with domestic abuse, if the likelihood that they will continue to remain connected to their perpetrator through family ties. At West Wales Domestic Abuse Service, we can provide help by working with people to risk assess their circumstances and provide safety plans to reduce the risks associated with domestic abuse. We can also sign posting to other services to provide support with wellbeing, benefits and pension credits as well as housing related support.